The problem with Phil being proud of him for being the hero that he was; both to the public and to SHIELD, was that Clint didn't see himself as a hero. He hardly envisioned himself someone who fought in the name of truth, justice, and that bullshit about the American Way. The Avengers were still the mismatched group of heroes, but they all seemed to accept their role as Earth's defenders. Clint hardly felt like he belonged amongst any of them, not because of the things he did under Loki's control (though that was a contribution to his insecurity). It was the fact that when he compared himself to the others (except Tasha) they all had better lives leading up to their heroic debut. Clint had been that kid who dropped out of school, he never even finished elementary school. He knew the basics to get him by but his only strength was the fact that he was quick to think on his feet and he would always make the shot when they needed him too. When it compared to Stark's wealth and fame. Rogers' strength and integrity. Banners's intelligence and resources. Tasha even had things that compared to Clint, he fell short of no matter what. They all seemed to have some strength when Clint fell short.
His insecurity about being part of the team made him look at Phil's pride like he was coming from a place Clint didn't know existed. But he decided somewhere along the way that when Phil was actually proud; he should really just roll with it. Clint appreciated the faith Coulson had in him more than anyone else. If Fury had said he was proud of him, it would have never be the same if Phil had come out and said it to his face.
The fact that they knew each other much more than they would let themselves say was almost eerie. Clint could remember on more than one occasion when he would answer a question in similar fashion to how Phil would. Whenever some stupid junior agent would go to Coulson's office door to say something, Clint would stand resilient by his door to scare them off. Sure, he knew it was Phil's job to mentor. But Clint felt as though it was his job to lighten his load a little. Help him anyway he could even if it meant walking in every morning, afternoon, and evening with things as easy as food. Or even going so far (fairly recently) to do some paperwork for him. Even paperwork that didn't honestly involve him.
Even if he came off as a rather smooth operator. He flirted with plenty of his women co-workers and junior agents. When it came to thinking of talking to Phil about how he felt. He always choked on the words and came up with something else to say. He often wished he would. Just to know instead of just stare like a dumbass.
Clint started walking with Coulson, trying to relieve a little of his weight on the other man. "I dunno. You can make shit up about Stark or Thor." He didn't find either as exciting as Coulson was, to be honest. "Or you can just talk about yourself...I could go for that now that I think about it." Clint could say he was usually bored if Phil ever spoke of himself, which happened rarely; but he was always listening to whatever the man had to say that it was a little embarrassing for him. The archer's brow arched a bit when he mentioned that he wasn't going to get out of being woken up every couple of hours.
"I'm sure you'd succeed, sir." He noted quietly. "Like I said, I sleep better when you're around. I won't talk to my doctor about it. They might just put in an order for me to move in with you...and I'm, pretty sure I snore." He teased briefly, knowing that it might actually be something his psychologist would do if she knew Clint had spent a couple nights in the past couple weeks (before he went missing) -- sleeping fairly regularly and restful. He was actually looking forward a little to pressing against Coulson's side and drifting off to sleep.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2012-06-03 08:06 am (UTC)His insecurity about being part of the team made him look at Phil's pride like he was coming from a place Clint didn't know existed. But he decided somewhere along the way that when Phil was actually proud; he should really just roll with it. Clint appreciated the faith Coulson had in him more than anyone else. If Fury had said he was proud of him, it would have never be the same if Phil had come out and said it to his face.
The fact that they knew each other much more than they would let themselves say was almost eerie. Clint could remember on more than one occasion when he would answer a question in similar fashion to how Phil would. Whenever some stupid junior agent would go to Coulson's office door to say something, Clint would stand resilient by his door to scare them off. Sure, he knew it was Phil's job to mentor. But Clint felt as though it was his job to lighten his load a little. Help him anyway he could even if it meant walking in every morning, afternoon, and evening with things as easy as food. Or even going so far (fairly recently) to do some paperwork for him. Even paperwork that didn't honestly involve him.
Even if he came off as a rather smooth operator. He flirted with plenty of his women co-workers and junior agents. When it came to thinking of talking to Phil about how he felt. He always choked on the words and came up with something else to say. He often wished he would. Just to know instead of just stare like a dumbass.
Clint started walking with Coulson, trying to relieve a little of his weight on the other man. "I dunno. You can make shit up about Stark or Thor." He didn't find either as exciting as Coulson was, to be honest. "Or you can just talk about yourself...I could go for that now that I think about it." Clint could say he was usually bored if Phil ever spoke of himself, which happened rarely; but he was always listening to whatever the man had to say that it was a little embarrassing for him. The archer's brow arched a bit when he mentioned that he wasn't going to get out of being woken up every couple of hours.
"I'm sure you'd succeed, sir." He noted quietly. "Like I said, I sleep better when you're around. I won't talk to my doctor about it. They might just put in an order for me to move in with you...and I'm, pretty sure I snore." He teased briefly, knowing that it might actually be something his psychologist would do if she knew Clint had spent a couple nights in the past couple weeks (before he went missing) -- sleeping fairly regularly and restful. He was actually looking forward a little to pressing against Coulson's side and drifting off to sleep.