for theshield_agent

[beenunmade]

Running had become second nature.

Clint hadn't been a wolf for long, he had counted the weeks. Days. Hours. All since his life had been turned upside down and he didn't quite know what to make of anything anymore. Several months ago he had fell into a state of relaxation when he was out with a group of his own friends before he had been attacked. The attack had killed two of the men he had been traveling with at the time, it was not so pleasant waking up in pools of their own blood. Their mangled bodies surrounding him and all Clint could think was 'why aren't I dead too'. It was a miracle, his friends and brother had said. A fucking miracle he had walked away from that, but it didn't feel so much like a miracle the following month. Or the month after. His brother had been the first victim of a 'wild animal attack' and it hadn't been something Clint was entirely proud of. How full he had felt the day afterward, how disgusted he felt with himself. No amount of vomiting or therapy could take that away from him.

So he ran. It seemed the logical thing to do. He left his friends behind. The life he had come to know, even if he had always been running. The circus was always something that didn't logically mean that someone had settled down in their life and was happy with everything. It just meant they had no where to go and that was the only option.

The man had just hitchhiked from Arizona to New Jersey over the course of three months. Every time the full moon would come around and he would feel it's pull. He would just simply...disappear out of sight for a couple days. Then back on the road he went. A little sore, but okay. Alive. His mind had literally abandoned the rules of a normal person's life. He didn't believe it was going to ever be like that again. He chewed on his bottom lip as he contacted the friend of his he had ditched when he was on the road with the circus. The man had been someone who...arrested him and his older brother when they had gotten into a mess. Barney had been at fault but apparently being eighteen in a bar automatically meant that he was in trouble as well. There had been no excuse for the beer he had in his either but...still. It ended up with Clint alone in a holding cell because Barney had tried to choke him with his belt and the teen laughing along side the man who had remained straight-faced until he allowed the tiniest hint of a smile to leak through.

That guy had bailed Clint out of a couple situations he didn't know about. The last he had heard from him (through postcards) was that he was off to the Army. He hoped he would be where Clint had last seen him. Living the nice sort of life...it almost made him feel guilty that he was bringing this to his doorstep but there was nothing he could legitimately do about it. He didn't have anyone else he trusted. Clint scaled up the wall of the two story house that he had...sniffed the other man out at. For all he knew? This was his girlfriend's house or something and he was still off. He didn't strike him as the settling down type. Phil had been married to his job for far too long and pushed people away from the phone conversations they had. It was the perfect place to hide as he pushed the window on the top story open before slipping inside.

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[beenunmade]

There was a warmth that settled in Clint's chest. Not because he had been able to talk about how much having someone out in the world meant to him. But because Phil's fingers were running through his hair right now. He hadn't felt this safe in so long. He almost hated what he wanted to ask Coulson to do. It wasn't right. Not for Phil. It was right for him. He knew he wasn't safe to be around even if he wanted to be lulled into that sense of belief that when he was under a roof of someone who made him feel the way no one else had made him feel. If only it was just by postcard just saying 'hello' usually.

That's why most of the circus folk laughed at it. Because 'hello' didn't mean anything. It just meant that someone out there was humoring him because he probably had twelve cats and no social life. Clint defended Phil. Offered up that he was in the army. That he was going to college. That he was infinitely better than anyone there. Better than he was.

Since Phil was rubbing his back, he may have felt the gun Clint had tucked in the back of his pants. The gun he was all ready to offer him. A smile tugged a bit on his lips, arms still wrapped around the other man as he listened to his offer. "Prolly not that long...You probably won't even know 'm even here."

[theshield_agent]

Phil did notice the gun. He wasn't really sure what to do with that knowledge. It only emphasized that Clint was clearly in some kind of trouble. Phil's urge to help was overwhelming. Clint needed help and he'd come to Phil. Phil would have wanted to help, anyway, but being asked only intensified it.

"Maybe I want to know that you're here. I don't mind having a guest, Clint." It would be easier to offer more help if he knew what was wrong, though.

He sighed and moved his hand down quickly to slip his hand under Clint's shirt and grab the gun. "So tell me what this is for and what's really going on. Please."

[beenunmade]

People with the overwhelming need to help were...non-existent to Clint. He was just hoping Phil would have pity on him for a moment just so he could help a guy out. Public menace...right here. Clint didn't know how to process the situation and make it come out clear, concise and rational to the other man without thinking he had just allowed a crazy man who thought he could turn into a wolf when it was a full moon. Clint was sure Phil would just suggest a nice therapist after that. As well as sleep with one eye open until the younger man was out of the house. He didn't want that.

He wanted to come back with a quip about him not noticing Clint there but Phil had already started holding the gun in his hand. To lie...or not to lie. The truth was more ridiculous than he wanted it to sound. The request was pretty grim. But it was also a benefit. "...cos I want you to shoot me with it, Phil." He straightened up, squaring his shoulders. "I wasn't kidding. I ate my brother." There were better ways to go about this, he's sure. But right now he just wanted to get Phil on edge enough to do this for him.

[theshield_agent]

Phil pulled back, gun still tight in his grip. He felt to make sure the safety was on. "Jesus Christ, Clint. No, I'm not going to shoot you."

He pulled the clip out of the gun. "What are you even thinking? What happened? Sit down and talk."

Phil was pretty sure that he deserved some talking, at the very least. Not seeing someone for years an then having them show up asking to be shot? Yeah, that needed some explaining. A lot of explaining, really. A whole mess of it, especially when it came with sentences like I ate my brother like that made any fucking sense.

"Maybe start at the beginning."

[beenunmade]

Clint scowled when Phil made sure the safety was on. When he pulled the clip out of the gun he felt his heart sink. "No, Phil you have too. Please." He was begging, it sounded as pitiful as it felt as he stepped a little closer to him. He wanted it to be by someone who gave him some sort of freedom from the world he had grown up in. He wanted it to be from someone who made him feel the hope Phil had. No one else came to mind but Phil. Barney had...the situation was changed from when it happened with Barney. Clint had done so on a full moon -- he had asked him. He had changed. The struggle hadn't exactly been that long. His brother fired too late. Clint had been too quick for him.

"I need it, Coulson." Clint moved over, taking Phil's hand by the wrist that held the clip, trying to lead it back to the gun itself. "'m too dangerous 'n there's no way to fix it 've tried." He had really meant to come sooner. To be around Phil more.

"It'd sound ridiculous..."

[theshield_agent]

"No." There was more authority in his voice now. He dropped the clip and kicked it under the bed. "You don't just show up and... Jesus, Clint."

He flipped his arm around Clint's so that he was gripping Clint's arm, too. Blindly, he placed the gun carefully on the dresser behind him. He brought that hand up now to Clint's shoulder.

"Clint, please just tell me what's wrong. I can't help you if you don't tell me." Because what Clint was asking for, he couldn't do that. He wouldn't.

[beenunmade]

"Yes." He all but growled back. Clint never responded well to authority before. He wasn't going to start now. He does what he wants and right now all he wanted was this. He was so close to feeling...something anything. Phil was just taking that away with his actions that the deep, animalistic growl rumbled from deep within his chest. He didn't mean for it to happen. It just did before he forced himself to calm down.

"I killed my brother. Isn't that enough reason for you to kill me?" Not that Barney was a saint, mind you. Most people were relieved he was gone. If only because...well, he was just a bad person. Even Clint knew it. Clint gritted his teeth together, taking in another deep and calming breath. "I got bit by a werewolf...on a camping trip I was with some friends. And 've been lookin' for a way out ever since...you can be my way out. I want it to be you, Phil." He could save him. Right?

[theshield_agent]

Phil's heart was beating in his chest. Clint's admission and that growl echoed in his ears. He shook his head, anyway. He couldn't kill anyone without reason and likely couldn't kill Clint at all. "I can't. You can't ask me for something like that." It wasn't fair. His voice was gettig a little shaky.

"Take a deep breath." And then Phil took one of his own, because holy shit. There was a lot of information happening and some things were making a lot more sense than others. Barney was dead, that much he could tell. He knew that he'd been Clint's only family. No wonder he was upset. Phil could help him, though. He could be there for Clint while he got through this.

"You were attacked by a wolf?"

[beenunmade]

Clint took in another deep breath before pulling away from him. This had been...a complete waste of his time.

"'m good." He ran his hands down his face, concealing the look of disappointment on his face. He wanted this. He had to have known that Phil wouldn't have given it to him without an explanation. Not like Barney. Phil was a genuinely good person. Clint didn't believe those existed anymore. He shook himself out for a moment, turning away from Phil as he flexed his hands. Rolled his shoulders. Tried to regain himself, his composure before he allowed himself to fly off the handle and do something he'd regret. Allow something to happen that he would never be able to forgive himself for. He could learn to live with Barney's death -- he was his brother, he missed him. He loved him, it didn't mean he had to like him. Love and like were two different things in Clint's book especially when it came to his brother.

"The attack wasn't that very exciting. The two other people I was with died on scene...I was supposed to be in the hospital for weeks." He was released forty-eight hours after he was admitted because nothing was too life-threatening it seemed. "You don't believe a word of this, do you?"

[theshield_agent]

Phil shook his head. Of course he didn't believe this. It was crazy. "Clint, I get that you've been through some kind of trauma. You're having a hard time wrapping your head around it. It's okay. I'm here for you." His voice was soft now, its usual calm, soothing tone. "Please just calm down and let me help you."

Whatever Clint had seen must have been bad if he was this distraught. Phil wasn't sure what to do, but he had to do something. Sane people didn't just show up asking to get shot. Clint needed help and Phil wouldn't hold that back.

"You can stay here as long as you need to. We'll figure this out together." Phil didn't turn his back on anyone. That just wasn't how he operated.

[beenunmade]

Clint's annoyance level was reaching maximum at this point. Of course he didn't believe him. Clint knew he honestly had no control over himself. Over anything that was happening to him. He wanted to hear the words that were coming out of his mouth for years from someone. Anyone. Just not right now. "I am calm!" Clint all but snapped out, his voice lower than before. Clint had figured out a solution and Phil had kicked it under the bed. Clint's eyes was the first thing to usually announce the change, he knew this. He could feel the difference even without someone having to tell him as they shifted from his typical blue to something that was a far cry from anything normal.

"I'm calm. I want you to fix this, Phil." He didn't plan to stay. He didn't plan to put Phil in that sort of danger. Not when it would be his blood on Clint's hands. Clint stepped a little closer to him, scowling.

[theshield_agent]

Phil stood his ground. Phil had been shot at in the desert. One man was never going to intimidate him. Still, he couldn't hide the startled look when Clint's eyes started to change. Something was wrong. Something weird was happening and Phil had to be dreaming or drugged or something, because that's not normal.

"I can't. I can't shoot you. How could you think that I could?" Anything else. He'd do anything he could to help Clint, but he wouldn't kill him. He couldn't do it. Couldn't Clint see that it was cruel of him to ask for that? Phil didn't want to hurt people. He didn't want to kill anyone. He wanted to help them.

[beenunmade]

Not drugged. Not dreaming. Just...not really in his element. Clint would forgive you sooner or later for not believing him. Right now, he wasn't sure if it was going to be sooner. Or later. Clint grit his teeth together as he allowed himself to think it over. Why had he come here? For Phil to commit murder? Or for Phil to save him? Clint wasn't entirely sure. The idea of Phil saving him from something he couldn't save him from seemed like cruel and unusual punishment. "Cos I got no one else to ask..."

He was sure. A large part of him that was silenced by the need to run was also the large part of him that recommended Phil for him to run towards. For him to hide with. "You barely know me. 'n I have no one else, Phil." He didn't want to be a monster. He didn't ask for this. It was the wrong place, wrong time. Clint moved back a little. Away from the other man.

[theshield_agent]

Even if Clint believed this would save him, Phil couldn't. It was murder to him, plain and simple. The sound of Clint's voice, though, and the way he says that he has no one, it struck Phil right in the chest. "Clint..."

He followed after Clint as the other man tried to step away. "Just help me understand and I will help you figure this out. I promise." He had no idea what was happening or what he could do for Clint, but he would do whatever he could. Anything Clint needed other than that. Phil could offer him a place to stay, though, and a support system.

[beenunmade]

Most of the time, he loved being crowded. He liked being surrounded by people who wanted to do him some good. It didn't happen often (ever really). But right now he didn't want that. He wanted what he asked for and he wasn't entirely sure that was what he wanted. Who wanted to die? Clint still had years to live, but living them as a danger to the people around him wasn't what he wanted. "How can I help you understand when I don't even know how to wrap my brain 'round it, pal?" Clint sighed a bit, trying to control himself. In times of great stress it was typically easier for him to retreat into the back of his mind. To allow what he was to come out and deal with it.

Last time he dealt with it like that. It didn't end up pretty.

His blood was already boiling. His skin itchy and he knew...he didn't have the willpower to control it. Regardless of whether he wanted to or not. He just needed to calm down now. And now all of sudden instead of being one forced into this situation by bad luck. He was pulling Phil into it. Well, he felt like crap. "'m sorry, Phil. 'm sorry I came here." The tunnel vision was the next to start and he knew he was getting too far gone. The window was too far that way and he was pretty sure he could lock himself up in a closet. Another room. Away from Phil.

[theshield_agent]

Both of Phil's hands went to Clint's biceps in a firm grip. "Clint, look at me. It's okay. It's going to be okay. Whatever this is..." And, honestly, Phil had no idea what he was dealing with here. "We'll figure it out. Together."

He ignored the way Clint snapped at him. The man was upset. Phil could understand that much. He wouldn't take it personally. Whatever was happening, Clint needed help. He needed a friend and even he'd said that Phil was all he had, though being the only option wasn't the only reason Phil wanted to help him. He would have offered help no matter what. Clint needed him and he was there. Phil was nothing if not a loyal person.

"Just breath with me." He took a slow, deliberate breath and then another. He just needed to help Clint calm down.

[beenunmade]

Clint allowed his eyes to meet Phil's, finding the grip the other man had on him grounding to say the least. Keeping his head in the game where it could spin off somewhere else. Somewhere that he wouldn't believe to be as pleasant as this. "Yeah...okay." He nodded in agreement because he wanted so much to believe whatever was coming out of Phil's mouth at this point he'd believe him if he just out of the blue said unicorns were real at this point. Anything to keep his mind leveled at this point. He focused on his voice. The look in his eyes. His...scent. Clint took another deep breath, following after Phil's instruction with ease.

"'m good now." He mumbled under his breath, taking in another deep breath for good measure. He stifled a short, relieved laugh. "I'm good...thank you." He hadn't been able to do that on his own as far as this all had gone. He had been afraid he was too far gone to pull back as he rested his head on Phil's shoulder. "I should really...go or somethin'. Last thing you really need is this."

[theshield_agent]

Phil's arms went back around Clint without hesitation. Clint needed him. He needed this and Phil wasn't going to deny him.

"You can't go. I'm just going to worry about you, so you have to stay." It was true. "Please. Clint, please let me help you. I want you to stay here." He brought his hand up, fingers moving through Clint's hair. If he were to believe Clint, he... what? He was a werewolf now? It made no sense. Of course, there wasn't really any explanation that made sense. He'd seen Clint's eyes change. Something was different. Something was wrong. Whatever it was, there had to be a way to fix it. He wouldn't let Clint just give up.

[beenunmade]

There was a hint of skepticism in his eyes.

"I don't wanna hurt you..." Clint clung onto the ideals he held for Phil. That he was...perfect, essentially. He didn't doubt those ideals even now. They just made him feel even safer. That he could cling to those images he thought when it came to Phil. When it came to Phil...he imagined a lot of things. Sometimes he wished he had been older when they met for the first time. Life probably would have been a lot easier for him if Phil had just taken him home. Clint sighed a bit before giving in and nodding. Somehow, he knew the other man would just come looking for him whether he wanted him too or not. "If anything happens, you'll do it right? I don't want to hear you say no. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did anything to hurt you."

[theshield_agent]

"You won't hurt me." He said it with complete conviction. "I'm trained. I can defend myself just fine, but I don't think you'll try to attack me." He really would follow Clint if he left. Clint needed help and Phil was going to give it whether he wanted it or not.

He kept his hand moving in Clint's hair. "Trust me, okay? Just stay and let me help." It was stupid of him to feel this attached, but he couldn't help it. He'd kept in touch with Clint for as long as he had for a reason. He should be scared. He knew he should be, but for some reason, he trusted Clint and he wanted to help him. He should have been there helping already.

[beenunmade]

If Phil had known.

If Phil had known that Clint would never allow any individual to be close to him like this, he would've expected a puzzled look on the other man's face. If Phil had known that Clint felt a sort of comfort in him that he didn't in anyone else, he might have looked at him a bit odd. But Phil didn't know. Clint trusted Phil because he had reached out to him when no one else would. Clint had met many people in his life. The only constant was the people at the circus and his brother. Everyone else was in and out of his life as quickly as he had met them. This was the first time there had ever been someone tangible that he felt a connection with. Someone he trusted (maybe he was a little infatuated with him), but Clint felt safe there. "I do trust you...stupid thing, you were the first one that came to mind." Even if it was with the half-baked idea that he could get Phil to shoot him.

He was silently glad he didn't. A part of him was, at least as he wrapped his arms around Phil. "Guess 'm stuck here, huh? I would go get my stuff...but I don't have anythin'. It helps, right?" He laughed a bit.

[theshield_agent]

Phil was a little surprised. He hadn't expected Clint to give in so easily, but he was thankful. Now he could put energy into helping Clint instead of trying to convince him to stay. For a little while, he just held Clint tightly.

"Anything you need that I don't have, we can get later." He knew what Clint was like. He knew that he wouldn't want anything ridiculous.

"So... tell me exactly what happens. I saw your eyes started to... do something. What else?" He needed to know what he was dealing with. He needed to know what was going on in Clint's head if he was going to help.

[beenunmade]

Clint was still a flight risk. Don't get the wrong impression, Phil. He was just a good liar. Even to himself.

If he was honest with himself, his entire life was in a backpack he had left outside the window. The younger man didn't let go of Phil for the longest time (in his mind it felt like years). He didn't want to move from where he was because he actually felt somewhat safe. He didn't actually know from what. He just felt safe. Safer than he did when it came to a lot of things. When it came to everything that was happening to him. "It's actually just a backpack I dropped outside the window. Not a lot of stuff." He'd brought...mostly the postcards that he used as a pseudo-shield against anything that was happening to him. It kept him grounded. A person would see it as Phil kept him grounded. He would believe it.

"Well...um...werewolf stuff really." Clint isn't really an expert on it, Phil. "I get really sick and moody 'round the full moon then I change and if anything's there...I attack it. 've been keepin' myself contained for the most part. Either locked away somewhere or somewhere remote. Away from the general public. I turn into something, 'm sure. I black out for most of it...don't remember the mornin' after. It's not really that fun." Traveling cross-country was not a good idea in his mind when he looked back on it. There had been one or more times he just found a truck stop and barricaded himself in until the next morning. "I think I left a sudden string of livestock killings before I found you. 'n one casualty that I know of."

[theshield_agent]

Phil really couldn't care less about livestock. Dead people would be a huge worry, but livestock were just livestock. And Barney... there wasn't really anything Phil could do about that. He certainly wouldn't blame Clint when it was so clearly out of his control. He couldn't imagine anyone wanting their little brother punished in a situation like this. If it had been his sister, he would have forgiven her without question.

"Grab your backpack and we'll get you settled. I'm sure you could use a shower and a hot meal... so I'll order one." Clint didn't need to get poisoned. He could order them a pizza and pull out the spare bedding so Clint could take the couch.

He made a mental note to check on when the next full moon was. They needed to get ready for that, most likely. He wasn't sure what the best option would be, but they could figure it out together. Maybe it would be easier on Clint now that he wasn't alone.

[beenunmade]

If Barney had been an upstanding, understanding person like Phil had been. There might have been no question. But Clint knew his brother and what he carried with him. He knew there wouldn't be one ounce of forgiveness in his brother's eyes when he finally got his wish to die and reunite with the other man in Hell. It was something Clint just believed he would have to face on a later date. When he was less traumatized at the events that had occurred so shortly and in rapid succession in his life rather than anything else.

He laughed at that, shaking his head a bit. "You jus' as bad at cookin' as I am, Mr. Coulson?" He chuckled as he started walking towards the hallway so he could head down and get his backpack. What Clint could have really used was what he got. Someone to support him. Someone who didn't fear physical contact with him that he really just wanted to hold until everything just wasted away.

Clint had already had his calender, marking down the days. If he remembered correctly. He had about a week. A week to brace Phil on what was going to happen and how to prepare for it. Or a week to find somewhere suitable to hide until it was over and hope to everything that he didn't hurt anyone in the process. Clint stopped at the foot of the stairs, turning and looking up at the other man. "Why are you doin' this for me, Phil? Openin' your house to me." No one was this nice. No one.