through a broken mirror for [livejournal.com profile] theshield_agent

May. 19th, 2012 11:46 pm
beenunmade: (Default)
[personal profile] beenunmade

Reminding himself daily of his duties was something that usually made Clint sober up when it came to things he dealt with off the clock. Even if there truly was no 'off the clock' for SHIELD agents. Let alone an Avenger. If he wasn't suited up to save the world from some impossible villain, he was an agent of SHIELD. And SHIELD infiltrated every member's life. It was implied at the get-go. You join SHIELD and SHIELD will be part of you where ever you go. It was something that Clint wasn't quite used too. But it, at the very least, gave him something to do when he was bored. The downtime was minimal at best, but when there was downtime Clint really didn't have anything better to do then be at headquarters. SHIELD had become too integrated in his life without him realizing it. More than once he had loudly said in Coulson (or anyone else's presence) that Phil and the higher-ups were married to their jobs. Whenever Clint would walk down the hallway he'd either see Phil, Sitwell, Hill, and he usually tried to evade Fury at any given moment because nothing ever sat right with him about the Director. Not that he was afraid of him, per say. He just...didn't trust the eyepatch.

It never occurred to him that he was stuck in the same classification of any of them. When it seemed as though all the Avengers were grouping together (even Tasha) under the same roof, Clint had decided against joining the Brady Bunch by remaining back in his personality-less room back in headquarters. Something given to all agents of SHIELD who didn't have a place to go off-base. He had personalized it somewhat -- to keep it separate from the other rooms that were around him. Even though at least two of them had been emptied, any traces of agents living in them wiped after the Loki incident. Clint had come to find out they had been aboard the helicarrier when they went. One of which, Agent Ryan Stillson, was at the point of the blast that had disabled the engines enough to cause the mess that Loki had ordered him to cause. Without being asked, Clint had gotten rid of the man's belongings himself after wandering past to his room just in time to see the normal cleaner's -- making their rounds to clean up the relics of the past before they found another poor soul to recruit into this place. When someone had come down on the orders of Fury to make Clint stop what the fuck he was doing -- Clint nearly punched the guy out before returning to what he was doing. Then, following procedural, brought Agent Ryan Stillson's belongings down to the compactor to get rid of.

SHIELD looked after their own after all, but it also meant when they began to work for SHIELD is where they would end. Clint had yet to meet someone who retired from the military division.

Downtime usually meant people getting caught up on their sleep. A lot of the agents slept easier knowing that Loki was gone (as well as the Tessaract). It meant their energies could be spent doing something else. Whenever Clint had laid his head down to sleep, usually an hour or so into it; his eyes would snap open. He had told Fury during the debriefing that he remembered nothing of his time as Loki's mind bitch, but that statement was slowly turning into a lie with every moment he was given some time to himself. He remembered. The ideas that filled his head like whispers once setting his eyes on the glowing cube. Orchestrating getting the materials and man-power needed to take on SHIELD and open the portal to somewhere the cube had only told him that was a good idea. Suggesting the rescue mission when Loki would be "captured" by the Avengers. Clint remembered thinking, once, that it didn't go as planned when he noticed the flash of red hair at the corner of his eye before he was brought back into this reality. His reality. His body may have healed up, but his mind was still twisted. Still lingering on the things he had done he felt as though he had to put on the cocky persona just to keep people off his back.

Things happened quickly after all was said and done. One moment, Phil Coulson was dead. The next he was alive. One moment Nick Fury wasn't in charge and the next the WSC realized that Fury wasn't going anywhere so he was reinstated. One moment Clint Barton was Hawkeye, an Avenger. And the next he was back to where he had began, unsure if he had a place in the team he had joined out of necessity to make an attempt to get his revenge. Even if he didn't. Even blowing Loki out of the sky left him with a severe lack of satisfaction.

Mostly, his entire time after saving the world had been a blur. Instead of basking in the glory, Clint stuck to himself. Even when he went on missions with the team -- it helped that he was a sniper. Being alone was part of the job description it seemed as he crept into the hallway after one of his nightmares. Another good thing about being a SHIELD agent meant they only needed a couple hours of sleep to function. He pursed his lips together as he tucked his hands in his jacket pockets. The last mission had left much to be desired. Clint had so brilliantly tried the little trick of using his grappling arrow to Tarzan his way to ground level, right in front of one of the targets. Only to get knocked back a couple feet. Broken ribs aside and somewhat of a bruised ego, Clint was telling the doctors he was fighting fit. They just didn't believe him. But he didn't really listen to what they had to say about him resting or anything of the like. He moved quietly through the halls with every intention to go to the gym. To get his frustrations out and to possibly tire himself out that maybe sleep would be unavoidable as he turned the corner, nearly running into Coulson.

"...they still let you escape from your office from time to time, I see." He smirked, hoping beyond all hope that he could just annoy him a little. To the point where he could just move passed him and to the gym. He relied, partly, that if the man was still on painkillers and still in work-mode there would be some apathy involved.

Date: 2012-05-20 07:50 am (UTC)
theshield_agent: (Earpiece)
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
Phil frowned. There was never apathy when Clint was concerned. He'd been worried about Clint for a while now. He'd hoped that, with time, Clint would be able to move past whatever was doing this to him, but it was only getting worse with time. When he'd heard about Clint cleaning out Agent Stillson's room, he'd been concerned, to say the least. The fixation Clint seemed to have was unhealthy and he'd nearly gotten involved himself before thinking better of it. He knew that what had happened when Clint was under Loki's control had weighed heavily with him. No amount of assurances seemed to convince him that what had happened wasn't his fault.

The fact that Clint seemed to resist any kind of team-building with the other Avengers didn't help Phil's worries. It was concerning that even Natasha moving in with the rest of them hadn't swayed Clint. He was more alone than ever on the base, Phil wasn't sure if Clint had a single friend who didn't live somewhere else. Not to mention this last mission. He still wasn't sure whether Clint was purposefully taking dangerous risks on purpose or not, but he was worried, both as a handler and a friend.

"Sometimes I even get to sleep." If Phil was married to the job, he couldn't even imagine what Clint was. At least Phil had his own place to go back to. Even if his friends all worked here, he still had friends, which wasn't the case for everyone in SHIELD. All in all, Phil had a better balance than most of the people here and certainly better than Clint.

"Should you be moving around this much?" So help him, Phil would taze Clint and make someone else drag him back to his room if he had to.

Date: 2012-05-20 08:45 am (UTC)
theshield_agent: (Dutch)
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
It would really depend on the man and the paperclip, but nine times out of ten, Phil could drop a man with one. He was definitely a capable fighter, even if his body didn't always appreciate it. He liked being a handler, though. He was good at thinking quickly and he cared about his agents. He cared about what they did. He cared about Clint. That just brought him full-circle to worrying, but he wasn't even sure how to approach the topic with the man.

"I could still be a robot. Maybe I'm lying." Speaking of lying, he tried to assess Clint's injuries, but it was difficult to see what stage of healing they might be in. Either way, he knew Clint wandering around at night meant he was either doing something bad or there were things on his mind he couldn't escape. "Where are you heading this late at night?"

Sometimes Phil was almost glad that Clint was here instead of with the other Avengers. It might have been selfish, but at least he could keep an eye on Clint this way. He knew Natasha would keep an eye on him, too, but it would be harder with their new teammates around. He still was't sure if Clint was really being self-destructive or not, but it seemed like he might be. Phil was just glad that he had some time to figure it out while Clint was on medical leave. He cared about all of his agents, yes, but Clint was one of the ones he cared about the most, even if he tried not to show any favorites in the job.

Date: 2012-05-20 07:16 pm (UTC)
theshield_agent: (Disbelief)
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
Phil actually didn't look half-bad under his suit, either. It's just that no one ever saw him without it. He was in pretty good shape for someone his age who wore a suit every day. He worked out and he did more physical things in his job than a lot of people realized.

"I'll keep that in mind next time I was to play with some of the junior agents." He really wouldn't. The last thing he needed was more people making robot jokes about him. It was bad enough Clint made them and he didn't need any of the junior agents thinking that they could get away with what Clint could.

He stopped himself from rolling his eyes at that answer, but just barely. "You are not going to the gym. You haven't been cleared yet for it." He wasn't going to let Clint hurt himself further while he was still healing. The self-flagellation was getting old. If Clint wanted to mentally beat himself up, there wasn't much Phil could do, but physically? Phil had a professional and personal need to stop it. "And don't lie to me about that, because you know I get copies of everything. If you can't sleep, you need to find something else to do until you've healed more."

There. Now Phil just had to be ready for the inevitable fight that was coming. He knew Clint and Clint never gave anything up without a fight. He actually felt bad for people that Clint didn't like if this was the hard time he had to expect from the man.

Date: 2012-05-21 03:55 am (UTC)
theshield_agent: (Tall)
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
Phil knew about most of Clint's pranks and for the most part, he ignored them. It was kind of fun having a bunch of kids think he was a high-tech robot, although getting stabbed probably had ruined that illusion. The one about Rogers was... strange, but the others were in good fun. Phil might have gotten a little defensive about that one, actually. You can never totally kill the fanboy in him.

Now, though, Clint wasn't really being all that funny. "I can lock you out and I will. It's my job." He frowned. So much of his focus was turning to Clint lately, just worried about keeping him alive.

He closed in on Clint, moving into his personal space with an imposing stance. "Obviously you do need someone telling you that you can't do it, since you seem intent on re-injuring yourself. You're fine when I say you're fine." It had been a long time since he'd had to talk to Clint like that, but he wasn't going to back down.

If this was what Clint needed to stay in one place, Phil would give it to him. If he wanted to get angry at Phil for it, that was fine, but Phil was going to keep him in one piece. He was half-way to pulling him from active duty pending a psychological screen, not that he was going to warn Clint about that.

Date: 2012-05-21 04:48 am (UTC)
theshield_agent: (Phone)
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
He met Clint's eyes, staring him down in a way that would reduce many of those junior agents to tears, not that he ever expected to have that effect on Clint. "Not under me, you don't. An injury like that could make the difference between you making it through a mission alive. You're not doing anything until medical clears it." Phil would have Clint strapped to a bed if he needed to, at least he might if he didn't think Clint would find a way to hurt himself even more with that.

"I'm not letting you get yourself killed because you're too stubborn to rest an injury." Phil understood that stubbornness. He had some of it himself, but even he was taking it easy. "And on a personal note, I think you need to work on your attitude and the way you talk to people who can put you on the bench."

Date: 2012-05-21 05:38 am (UTC)
theshield_agent: (Dutch)
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
Phil winced at the pain in his back, but he otherwise ignored it as he reached out and grabbed Clint's arm, vice-like. Truthfully, even with his injury, Clint could wipe the floor with him in a fight, but he was banking on Clint not putting up one. That wasn't to say that the want to hit Clint wasn't there. The man deserved a good punch right now, but neither of them would benefit from a fight.

He fought for the right words, trying to find a way to talk him down rather than wind him up further. "You don't mean that. Just... wait until medical clears you, okay? So I can have peace of mind. I need to know that you're healing, Clint." If he couldn't pull rank, he could be honest and pull the concern card. It wasn't like it was a lie. He was concerned.

Date: 2012-05-21 06:48 pm (UTC)
theshield_agent: (Side)
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
Phil always had a taser, but that was beside the point.

"Clint, you don't want to be benched anymore than I want to bench you. So let's go find something else for you to do." He didn't want to push, but he was going to have to if Clint kept heading down this road. Ever since that first day back when he'd found Clint wearing himself out on the range, he'd been watching the man and he didn't like what he was seeing. Clint wasn't taking care of himself and Phil could only do so much to counter that before he really did have to step in and do something.

Date: 2012-05-22 06:15 am (UTC)
theshield_agent: (Disbelief)
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
You think that I think paperwork is fun?" He gave Clint an incredulous look. Jokes were one thing, but he really hoped no one thought he really did like the office parts of his job. They were just necessary.

He shook his head. "We'll find something. I'm not going to let you do anything stupid and that includes slowing your own recovery. A lot of people are counting on you to take care of yourself and I'm at the top of the list." Phil just hoped that the message actually got through to Clint this time. So many people believed in him, but to Phil it seemed like Clint never really believed that. It was like he didn't want to see how capable and strong he was.

Date: 2012-05-22 07:01 am (UTC)
theshield_agent: (Car)
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
Phil eyed Clint. "No, not just for the Initiative. Although, yes, they depend on you, too, but you've been a member of SHIELD longer than there has been an Initiative for you to be part of. You're a good agent, Clint, and I plan to keep you around for a while longer." And as a friend, of course. He hoped that that went without saying.

"I'll tell you what, you rest yourself until medical okays it and when you're okayed, I'll go shoot with you." Phil hadn't held a bow since high school, but he could probably hit some part of the target and it might even cheer Clint up to watch Phil miss it so much.

Date: 2012-05-22 07:42 am (UTC)
theshield_agent: (Earpiece)
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
"I promise, but I'm not exactly going to give you any real competition." Not that anyone could, really. Clint was far and beyond the best. It wasn't just his skill with a bow that put him there, but the way he handled himself in the field. He was quick on his feet and quick to think his way out of sticky situations. He'd come far in SHIELD since Phil had recruited him, but he still had further he could go.

"Do you promise? Because I could think of worse things than getting stuck with you." He smiled. "You're not so bad when you stop talking." He paused for a minute, thankful that Clint had calmed down. "There has to be something you want to do that doesn't involve physical exertion. Name it. I'll do it with you."

Date: 2012-05-23 05:54 am (UTC)
theshield_agent: (Eyebrows)
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
"You need competition like a hole in the head. I half-expect you to shoot your arrow through the middle of mine, even if I miss the target entirely." If anyone could pull off something that difficult and ridiculous, it was Clint. "When we're both healed up, though I think you're going to be okayed before I am." Honestly, Phil was just looking forward to when he will just be stiff. Won't that be nice?

"I do so love your dulcet tones. Do you think you could sing for me later? It would just make my day." He smiled. "You can't think of a single thing that we can do that won't injure either of us?" Actually, Phil was coming up pretty blank himself. Netflix was about the only think keeping him from complete madness. He's caught up on the last five years of television and counting.

He sighed. "Maybe we can just stare at the wall until we pass out."

Date: 2012-05-23 07:44 am (UTC)
theshield_agent: (Earpiece)
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
"Can you do me a favor and go a whole two months without getting yourself injured again? I'll give you a reward." Really, Phil just wanted to go a few weeks without worrying that Clint was going to go and get himself snapped in half somehow. He worried more about Clint than nearly everyone else combined.

"I don't know what Halo is, but I'm willing to do anything legal, as long as I'm physically capable of it. I've watched so much television the past few days that I'm about ready to swear off the whole thing."

He smiled. "And you know that most adults play chess, right? Checkers is for kids." Not that he thought Clint would care about either one. Phil liked chess, but he was realistic about the fact that Clint wouldn't want to play it.

Date: 2012-05-23 08:41 am (UTC)
theshield_agent: (:))
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
Phil laughed. "You want me to read to you? Like a bed time story? I haven't done that in a few years." For some reason, the idea of doing that for Clint didn't actually sound all that bad. There was something strange about the idea of seeing Clint vulnerable in sleep outside of when a mission required it, though. He tried not to poke too hard at that idea.

"I would appreciate it if you weren't a vegetable, though. Who else is going to go around making my life more difficult if you're not up and running around to do it?" Clint wasn't just an investment. None of them were to Phil, but Clint and Natasha especially weren't. He regarded them as friends and he hoped that they looked at him in the same light. Even with the worrying, he liked working with Clint, probably more than most of his other agents. For all of his joking, Clint really was a good agent. He got the job done and he did it well. They worked well together. There was a reason that he took most of Clint's missions and it wasn't just that Clint didn't really listen to anyone else as much as he listened to Phil.

Date: 2012-05-23 08:50 pm (UTC)
theshield_agent: (Dutch)
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
Fighting back the urge to roll his eyes, Phil gave Clint a serious look. "I can tell. Come on. Let's see what we can do about that. Is anything helping?"

He shook his head. "And Williams has a long way to go before he can even come close to your skills, both as an agent and a pain in my ass. Let's worry about getting you rested and healed so you can just do what you do best; Do your job annoyingly well and annoy me like it's your job." Sure, other people annoyed him, some more than Clint, even, but Clint always had this charming way of making Phil enjoy being annoyed. His niece was really the only other person who came close, but you can't not love your annoying family members. Clint was just... Clint and Phil didn't want to think about not having him there to make his life more complicated.

"What can we do to get you back to top shape so you can focus on ruining my paperwork and making more paperwork for me instead of just making me worry about you?" Not that he didn't always worry, but his current level of worry was definitely higher than usual.

Date: 2012-05-24 08:02 am (UTC)
theshield_agent: (Earpiece)
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
"Clint... I think we both know that you being tired and achy isn't what I'm really worried about here. I'm not sending you out on any missions if I don't know whether or not you're going to come back. That's not going to change. Our jobs are dangerous enough without me worrying that you're going to help get yourself killed." He didn't have to ask what Clint was remembering or what was keeping him up. He knew and he wasn't sure what he could tell Clint that would put him at ease.

"What can I do to help? I will really read you that story if you think it will help." He frowned. "And how many of those pills have you been taking? A lot of those are habit-forming." It was the last thing any of them needed.

Date: 2012-05-24 09:06 am (UTC)
theshield_agent: (Dutch)
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
"I never said any of that. I'm just worried about you. You've been acting off for a while now, Clint. Let's work on fixing that." He tried to force a smile. "One thing at a time, though. You need sleep, so let's go back to your room. I'll stay as long as you need me to." He couldn't fix all of it, not right away, but he could try to help with what he could. If Clint thought that having Phil there would help him sleep, Phil would stay with him.

He didn't want to think about Clint's self-destructive behavior or the fact that he was pretty sure that Clint was lying about it, because when it came to Clint, sometimes his worry turned into anger and that wasn't going to help either of them right now. Now, he just wanted to focus on getting Clint healed and rested and then he would work on the rest. The fact that Clint was willing to talk about it could be a good sign, but it could also mean that he was a lot worse than he was willing to admit.

Date: 2012-05-24 09:34 am (UTC)
theshield_agent: (Side)
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
Phil did follow after Clint, studying his face and the way he was moving. "I don't think anyone else has noticed, if that's what you mean. You're my agent. I'd be worried if I wasn't the first one to pick up on things like this." He just wanted to get Clint back to where he should be so that they could get back to working together. He wanted to believe Clint that it would pass, but he was still so worried that it would get him killed before it was through.

He wondered if living with the other Avengers would help or make it worse, but he wouldn't suggest it until he was sure it wouldn't make him worse. That was the last thing he wanted. If Clint was happier here, Phil was happy to have him close, where he could keep an eye on him and get to him easily if he was needed.

Date: 2012-05-25 07:30 am (UTC)
theshield_agent: (Amusement)
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
"I didn't see it. You were kind of in the way." Mostly true. He'd only had about five seconds between noticing it and Clint banging into it. Maybe now he'd finally learn not to walk backwards, but Phil was pretty sure that that lesson was only going to stick for a few hours at the most.

Though he did frown when he saw that Clint was in pain. He definitely made the right call about the gym. "You're my friend, too, Clint, but I'm not braiding your hair. I draw the line at tucking you in."

He didn't really try to think too much about what the other Avengers were up to. He imagined that Stark and Banner spent a lot of time doing science and that stark spent the rest of the time antagonizing Rogers. He couldn't imagine Clint or Natasha getting involved in either of those situations. The fact that Natasha seemed to be doing well there was surprising, but good. He wasn't so sure that Clint really would do as well, but he could hope.

Date: 2012-05-25 06:35 pm (UTC)
theshield_agent: (Dutch)
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
"So your current theory is that I just enjoy watching you trip over trash cans?" If Clint wasn't hurt, that theory wouldn't be so far off, but Phil never liked seeing Clint in actual pain. He preferred mild humiliation and only because Clint put so much effort into his posturing.

"I'm not the one asking for bedtime stories." He smiled, though. It wasn't as if he minded at all. If Clint needed someone to take care of him, Phil would do it gladly. It's what friends did and friends were rare in this line of work. Phil was careful with the ones he had and the fact that he could count Clint among them meant a lot, not the least of which because Clint had some serious authority issues that Phil was always surprised to have somehow managed to sidestep.

Date: 2012-05-28 08:41 am (UTC)
theshield_agent: (Eyebrows)
From: [personal profile] theshield_agent
Phil laughed. "Or worse, she'd tell you some creepy Russian story and then you'd really never sleep." If anyone else told him that his voice put them to sleep, he might have been insulted, but this was Clint and that already gave him a pass. Plus, he'd just tripped over a trash can, which must have been hurting both him and his ego. Besides, if he could help Clint sleep, he would consider it a win. Poor guy clearly needed it.

"And I'm not omnipresent. I'm just all-knowing. There's a difference." And that difference was that one simply involved a lot of hidden cameras and observation. He wasn't God, but he did take a professional interest in the eating, sleeping and social habits of his agents. One could never know too much about their coworkers.

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clint barton

October 2012

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